


don't look back in anger

by nessismore



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Moving On, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-22
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessismore/pseuds/nessismore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sees her smile softly, and it wounds because it’s been eight months, three weeks, and two days since he’d last seen that look on her face. And it isn’t for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't look back in anger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [katertots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katertots/gifts).



> Oh look! It isn't OT3, and it isn't porn!
> 
> For katertots, who prompted Bucky, Darcy/Steve; "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars, and partially inspired by her fic, ["Everyone I know goes away in the end"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/680610).
> 
> Title is from the Oasis song of the same name.

It’s been eight months, three weeks, two days, four hours and approximately twenty-one minutes since he’s had a drop of alcohol. Not that drinking was his only problem, but it was one of them, symptomatic of the whole mess of his life since he’d gotten it back. But with work, with therapy, with avoiding the things in his life that made things worse instead of better, he’s slowly piecing himself back together.

He passes Darcy in the hall. She was the only damned thing he’d had that made things better instead of worse, injecting his life with laughter and color until she’d pulled it all away before he could snuff it out. He sees her smile softly, and it wounds because it’s been eight months, three weeks, and two days since he’d last seen that look on her face. And it isn’t for him. She walks past him like she doesn’t even see him, and he knows he deserves it. Bucky glances behind him and sees Steve, a shy, dopey smile on his own face as he stops her. 

“I brought you something,” Steve says, producing a bakery box from behind his back.

Darcy looks up, surprised. “Cupcakes?”

Steve nods. “Salted caramel.”

“My favorite! What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing, really. I passed the bakery on my way to work, and I figured you might like a cupcake.”

It was something Bucky had never done for her. There were a lot of things he hadn’t done for her. It’s like a kick in the teeth when Darcy’s smile brightens and she stands on tiptoe to kiss Steve on the cheek. They’re both blushing when she pulls away. “Thank you. It’s definitely a cupcake kind of day.”

“I, ah, bought two,” he says with a grin. “Just in case Clint tries to steal one.”

Darcy laughs and hugs the box carefully to her. “On the off chance that Clint doesn’t steal one, I’d be open to sharing with someone. Say, around lunch time?”

“You might see me.”

“I hope so.” They stand there in the hall, staring at each other until Darcy finally looks away. She looks down at the cupcake box in her hands and bites her lip the way she always does before she’s debating whether she should say something else. It’s a habit that she’d developed while she was with Bucky, because she never knew what was going to set him off. She looks back up at Steve, her eyes bright. “Thank you. This was sweet of you.”

She flicks a glance at Bucky, the first acknowledgement that she knows he’s there, then she smiles back up at Steve, then waves before hurrying on to her office.

Bucky watches as Steve sighs and watches her go. When she disappears into her office, Steve stuffs his hands in his pockets, the corners of his mouth ticked up until he sees Bucky. Bucky takes that as his cue to make his escape. He doesn’t look back and pretends he doesn’t hear Steve calling his name.

—

Bucky is sitting in a bar, drink between his hands the way it has been for the last hour, when Steve finally finds him. “Buck, can we talk?”

“How was your cupcake?” He tries to keep the bitterness out of his voice but apparently it’s not possible because Steve flinches. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

Steve doesn’t say it’s okay, because it’s not, but he sits down beside him. He cuts straight to the chase. “Is it okay?”

Bucky tries for a smile, but he can’t quite manage it. That’s all this part of his life seems to be: trying and failing. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because you love her.” Bucky opens his mouth to say something but Steve shakes his head. “Don’t deny it. I know you do. You’re my best friend. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you. I need to know that this won’t set you back.”

“And if it will?” Bucky taunts. “Will you stay away from her?”

Steve is quiet for a long moment. “I don’t think I can,” he finally says. “I know it’s selfish—“ and Bucky scoffs, because selfish is the last thing Steve is— “it’s just…” 

Bucky’s heart constricts. He knew this was coming. He’d seen it before they did, probably, but it doesn’t make it easier. He sucks in a breath and nods. “You love her, too. I know.”

“Is it that obvious?”

Bucky doesn’t answer that, because yeah. It is that obvious. “It’s hard not to love her, isn’t it?”

“It is.” There’s that dopey smile on Steve’s face again; it probably matches the one that Bucky wore in the early days, before he’d messed it all up. 

Bucky looks Steve in the eye. “I loved her, but I didn’t do it right.” He laughs, and it’s harsh and bitter and he hates the look it puts on Steve’s face, but it’s all he can muster right now. “In fact, I probably did it _all_ wrong. Just…don’t do what I did.”

“I won’t,” Steve promises, and Bucky knows it’s a promise he’ll keep because his friend is a good man. He’s everything Bucky wishes he could have been for Darcy.

Bucky looks down at his drink, debates tossing it down or smashing it against the bar, but instead he pushes it towards Steve. “I probably won’t see you for a while. Don’t take it personal.” He clasps his friend on the shoulder and heads out of the bar. He doesn’t look back.

—

The next night, Bucky comes back to his apartment to find Darcy waiting at his door.

“What do you want?” It comes out harsher than he intended, but that’s the way it always is with him and her. He keeps lashing out, and she’s always the one in the line of fire.

She closes her eyes and he can tell she’s doing that counting thing she always did towards the end. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“How’d you even know where to find me?” She’s the one who kept the apartment when all was said and done. He’d heard she moved out of it a couple of months ago. Moving on and all of that. 

She smiles, a little thing, but it’s there. He supposes it’s better than her looking through him. “I’ve got my connections.”

“Nat told you.”

“Guilty.”

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t invite you in.” He doesn’t want this place to have memories of her, not until he can get a grip on himself. “What can I do for you, Darcy?”

“You and Steve. I don’t want to come between you two.”

His lips tighten and his shoulders tense. “You’re here because of him.” He opens his apartment door and he’s about to shut her out, when she puts her hand his shoulder. It’s the first time she’s touched him in a long time, and he tries not to let his mind linger on how it feels.

“I’m here for both of you. You might not believe it, but I do love you.”

He leans his head against the doorframe and closes his eyes. “Yeah, you had a funny way of showing it.”

“Stop it. I didn’t come here to do this, Bucky. I do love you. But we we aren’t right for each other. Maybe we were then, but we aren’t now.”

He turns to look at her, and she’s got her arms crossed in front of her protectively. She looks so small in her oversized sweater, so vulnerable. “So what do you want from me?”

She bites her lip, studying him for a moment before she speaks. “I want to know that you’re going to be okay.”

“That’s something I can’t give you, doll face. See, I still love you and you love him—you do love him, don’t you?”

She looks away from him, but she nods. “I tried not to. But it wasn’t really a choice.”

Bucky leans against the doorframe, staring up the ceiling and shaking his head. He laughs brittlely. “You know, I had this fantasy going on that if I got right, if I fixed whatever it is in me that’s fucked up, you’d come back. But that isn’t ever happening, is it?”

Darcy’s lips tremble and her eyes shine with tears. It seems he’s destined to always make her cry. “I’m sorry.” He knew that, but it hurts more than he thought to hear it. It hurts even more to look at Darcy and know how much it pains her to say it.

He takes her in his arms and she doesn’t pull away. “Don’t be.”

She cries into his sweater and holds him tight. “I wish—“

“I wish, too.” He strokes her hair, then kisses her forehead. Then he pulls away and finally lets go of the dream. She swipes at her tears and and sends him a watery smile. He tries to smile back. At least his lips move in kind of the right direction. “So he finally asked you, huh?”

She nods, not quite meeting his eyes. “Yeah. We’re going dancing.”

“You always did like that. I’m sorry I never took you.” There’s pain in his heart, and there are regrets. There will probably always be regrets. But he can’t begrudge her happiness.

“I’m sorry I never made you.” She looks him in the eye, and takes his hand. “I should go.” She heads towards the elevator when he realizes that there’s something now, at least, that he can give her.

“Hey Darce?” She turns around, biting her lip. “Me and Steve? We’re good. Or we will be. Don’t worry about that, okay?”

She nods then disappears down the hall. She doesn’t look back. One of these days, he won’t, either.


End file.
